Thursday, September 24, 2009

A New Barrier... Chains that Bind...

I know I haven't updated this in a while, but I will make it a point to do so more often...

~LIFE UPDATE(S)~
Dad has already moved out, but he was living at my Uncle Phillips.. Now he has moved out of there and has gotten a small apartment. The apartment is also shared by my oldest sister, Meagan, and her friend, Nikki.

We were under the impression that we had to move out by Sept 21, but that is not the case. Apparently we won't even have to think about moving out until 2010. Though this is good news, this is also bad news at the same time.. .. .. I can't get any better internet. -.-

I have bought the movies Death Note and Death Note II: The Last Name. From the anime, they have made a real-life film, with Ryuk, Rem, and Jealous to be in full, near-flawless, CGI.

~RANT/REASON~

This is the reason for the, drive, to make a new blog post. As well as a rant, you could say. Spilling out some emotion for anyone and everyone to read... Though I'm sure I've lost my readers by now... Just like I lose friends... Fate takes them and pushed them away...

I have not-so recently done something I, kind of, regret. This isn't easy to say, because I'd rather forget... I pretty much cheated on Tyler... My Soul Mate... It was, for mixed reasons. The girl, who I will only mention as "Chey", has been through hell. That which matches my Ashy Hell's past. Though while my Ashy Hell put herself in those dangerous situations, Chey just got the raw end of the deal.

I wanted to help... To heal.. That connection.. It felt like.. 'it'.. It was similar.. Really close.. My heart is wrapped around Ty's, just as it was then. It seems either my Romance is growing, or the barriers that separate myself from my manwhoreish past have been crumbling away without me looking. Don't get me wrong, I'd be happy if I lived with Chey. I can even sit down and think through the years of what it'd be like. I more-so just wanted her to be happy. She's been through so much, she deserves it... But.. I am not the person meant to cause such happiness.. And in the end, I just caused more pain.. And nobody knows how much that hurts..

It hurts in various ways.. I never want to hurt a girl.. And in physical sense, it's impossible. It's like being paralyzed. You try and try, knowing you can move that body part.. But it won't listen. I could make a fist, I could glare at a girl, but I could never swing at them... Not unless some extreme circumstance. And not only that, but i use to be a manwhore. Finding out how far I could push my romantics.. And then my dad.. My dad cheated on my mom at least 6 times.. I can't.. I won't be like him..

And lastly.. I never wanted to hurt Ty.. I wanted to be the perfect boyfriend.. Her and I match on so many levels. I can try and tell myself that we all make mistakes, that to learn from them is what's important, and that we all have regrets, it's part of being human.. .. .. But none of that makes me feel any less mean..

So.. I shall make sure it never happens again... My Romance is focused on Ty.. My Romance won't be allowed to reach anyone else.. The chains shall make sure of that.. Ty shall have the key. Think of this.. as a new level.. I've wrapped my heart around one person before.. But this is on a deeper level.. Like.. Fusing or Infecting.. My Romance won't work without Ty. Think of me as insane if you wish, but reality is all about perception.

As for you, Chey.. You probably won't read this.. But I do appologize.. I not only want you to be happy, but I also don't want to lose another friend.. Especially on purpose.. But I'm sure you understand.. Please.. Take care.. Be careful.. You'll be with Pegasus.. Just hang in there..

Tyler.. I'm sorry.. You are my Soul Mate.. Believe me, this will never happen again...