True Beauty, Unnoticed?

A lot of girls are insecure about their figure, weight... Physical Attributes in general. I know media standards, as well as girls that are around their neighborhood who have spent WAY too much time on their looks, makes them feel less than equal to all the rest.

My true love, Tyler, doesn't seem to notice how beautiful she really is... She wears glass's but I only find that more adorable/cute. She has long hair that looks extremely feminine, it just makes you want to yell out "Awws", even when she does the girly trademark of tucking it behind her ear.. Even the simplest of movements, I feel captivated to stare.

Not to mention those eyes. She calls them boring but you could stare into them forever.. Maybe they're boring to her because, well, they're hers lol. Nobody's eyes could be as bad as mine, since they're 80% black pupil. -.-

Her figure, though extremely shy, claims to be chubby.. Now she almost has a figure 8, so I suppose you could call that chubby but most guys call that pretty perfect.

I have dated my share of good looking girls.. And pretty much all of my friends are attractive, I admit that. And I also wonder how that happened. I wasn't the popular guy in school... o.0 But all these girls that look like they COULD be popular if they wanted to be, have somehow become great friends... Weird lol... But regardless.. Tyler is, by far, the most beautiful girl I have ever met... I don't know what it is about her... Every inch of her amazes me... She's just so attractive, stunning, pretty, adorable, I have no idea what the correct word would be, besides "Near-Perfection"... Since nobody is perfect. But she is definately perfect to me... I hope, one day, I can get her to realise how beautiful she is to me, and how she always will be... Her eyes, her body, her mind, her personality, her soul... Everybody about her... is mine. =P

Updates on Bad News

I'll save the biggest for last...

---Akara Essex---

I have made a post already about this free server/shard. I recently got an IM from Satrinah, who brought me into a group convo saying the shard is back up. I laugh that it was down in the first place, and I laugh at how Satrinah pretty much insulted me and then left like a coward. *Shrugs*

---Movie Poof---

Ok, this is just a bit weird but the movie Obsessed has disappeared off the main theater and hasn't hit the Dollar Theater or DVD. o.0 Where did it go?

---Spoiled Sister---

Kerri asked to use my computer while I went shopping with my family for dad's B-day present. She had homework to do, so I said "Sure, but just for homework." When I came back, I checked history... She was on youtube, she was on AIM, and even downloaded some guy's pictures (Found a virus on one of em. I thought the name of the pic was odd.) What did she get? Nothing.. I don't even know what else she did but she's not touching my comp again.

---Rude Awakening... Literally---

At around 9pm yesterday, I felt soo tired and drained from the recent headaches as well as the all-nighter I pulled talking with my beloved Tyler. At midnight I woke up to mom and dad yelling at the dining room table. I listened for a while, trying to go back asleep but knowing it was going to be in vein. Then dad flipped out, yelling loudly. I immediatly got up, in case dad felt like getting physical, and mom said she needed to get out of the house. She was going to my Aunt Tammy's, nearest relative just barely an hour away. She lives in the, I'm not kidding, township of Sparta, PA. XD (This... Is... SpArTa!!! XD)
Anyways, to get there we leave from our house, go through the town of Findley Lake, go almost to Clymer but take a dirt road around it to Cory, then a couple random small townships till Sparta, so it's a bit of a drive.. We got to Findley Lake, headed towards almost Clymer and WAM.. mom ran over a possom (sp?) -.- We kept going while mom dodging dad's constant phone calls and texts, when we dodged ANOTHER possom.. I laughed and told mom "Wow, when you're upset, you attract animals." Well, wasn't more than 2 miles till we quickly see a Deer's Head (doe) right beside the van, and WAM. Hit it... It knocked out the driver's turning signal, driver's side window, and dented the driver's door enough to clip it shut. Can't be opened. So we drove back home, got out, took my Uki (1995 Suzuki Sidekick) and took a 2nd shot at driving to my Aunt's.. We did, I got to take a nap, woke up and left for home again...

Mom knows it's over now... All that's left is, figuring out what exactly to do next...

New GF!!! I <3 Tyler!!!

Yeah, that was a bit ex tactic... Wow, that was a big word for me. =P

Anyways.. I have a new girlfriend after a long while of being single... I feel confident this is not just to not be alone, but that we share a connection and have a lot in common, as well as chemistry. True there are a couple flaws we have to work on but, what relationship doesn't?

She is amazing and my official girlfriend. I really hope she is the one... My heart is slowly wrapping around her, and I am perfectly comfortable with it. ^.^

And for any guys, lesbians, or bi girls (Ash.. >.>) she's all mine! =P

The Tyler...

I have recently made a new friend, "Tyler" and yes, it's a girl. =P

Basically she's nice, kind-hearted, shy... We have chemistry/attraction, similar interests, similar views... She likes me and I like her, so I can totally see us working out... We aren't dating because we don't want to rush anything, so I'm ok with it..

I'm not sure yet whether this is a genuine good thing, like Fate has finally thrown me a bone.. Or whether it's part of Fate's plan and this is some sort of set-up to hurt me in the end...

I've been single for quite some time.. And as most, if not all, of you know, I hate being alone.. I need someone to focus Romance on.. Someone to love and be loved in return.. Though I understand not everyone can wrap their hearts around another, so I'm willing to wait however long it takes...

I really hope this is a good thing... I don't know how much smaller the pieces of my heart can get... or if those pieces can survive another blow before turning into dust.. =/

Good and Bad News (BIG Bad News)...

First the good news... Friend (Sofi) gave me the enthusiasm to get up and attempt to get "Trillian Astra".. I signed up for it a long time ago and never got an e-mail from em.. I tried again today and I got a reply this time (Though it was in my Junk folder.. I rarely check it so I'm guessing that's where the first reply went to.) And I got it downloaded and installed! It looks sweet and I LOVE the colors! Though my smiley's are gone. -.- Well, at least not put into the Trillian Astra yet.

Also, a tower is done in my area! Finally 100% switched over from Cell One to AT&T... For those that don't know, we had Cell One all throughout this area, but then the company was bought by AT&T... However, the towers were not completely compatible, so they have to work on the Cell One signal towers and switch them over. Well, one of the many towers around here is completely switched over, and I am able to expierience 3G... it's a bit weak since it isn't the closest tower, but I definately see a difference. ^.^ The other towers are still being worked on, so there's a chance, even if I have my air-card to pick up ONLY 3G signal, that a tower may be switching back and forth while being worked on, so I may still be randomly d/ced until all the towers in my area are done. -.- But it's still nice to know they are making progress. =P

NOW FOR THE BAD NEWS...

For those that don't know... My dad's a manwhore... (To clarify, my definition of a manwhore is any guy who doesn't treat a girl right. The only reason they'd stay in a relationship at all would be for the sex/physical pleasure.) He's cheated on my mom multiples times throughout their relationship/marriage. 6 or 7 if I remember correctly. The latest was with my mom's step-sister, and once that was done and over with, he said he was done and that it was a mistake... We found out a month ago that he's been talking to the step-sister all this time behind my mom's back, including sending texts such as "I'll be done early tonight, are you free?"

My mom has tried and tried to make things work, has forgiven him multiple times, but she's had it and I don't blame her. She's talking with a new guy a couple hours away and dad now knows about it. Though he's pulling all this drama, sympathy routine's, "good guy" image, Mom and I both know it's just an act. IF my mom were to forgive him, as soon as things got comfortable, he'd get bored and do something stupid again anyways... We are unsure who is keeping the house, how we'll split bills, ect. Dad's both trying to fix things and get it over with as fast as possible. (Yeah, he's being insane like that.)

So, lots of parents talking/fighting, as well as hearing Dad rant and talk to me, and Mom and I trying to make plans and figure things out (Because I'm definately on her side.) so things are kind of stressful here. I do feel sorry for my mom.. My mom and dad are high-school sweet-hearts.. My dad has been the only guy my mom has ever even dated... Though he's put her through hell and she's finally done with it, it's hard to see her in such pain.. Having to push away and say goodbye to the guy she's loved and been with her entire life... =/

My Chaos... "Fate"

My Chaos... The only thing greater, in every aspect, than my Ashy Hell... I often refer to My Chaos as "Fate"... Now, Fate is in no way ment to replace God or Satan, and has nothing to do with religion, nor is it meant to offend anyone.

Now for anyone who hasn't noticed, I often refer to the bad things that happen to me, as acts caused by Fate... I'm convinced with my luck that someone has to be pulling the strings... Drama is always following me, and I have no idea why.. If it's something I'm doing, I wish someone could simply point it out so I can focus on it, avoid it, or fix it.

I apologize for anyone this may hurt or affect in any negative way...

As for you, Fate... That was a nice blow... But you're going to have to do better than that! >:)

Ashy Hell and Fate

Ya know, I kinda agree'd with Binary code... It's either a "1" or a "0"... a "Yes" or a "No".. It fits with most religions as well.. They always have 2 paths. "Good" and "Evil". "Wrong" and "Right"... I know now, that isn't true..

There is a 3rd option, and that occurs when the first and second choice are not solid. For example, if a person does not want "A" and wants "B", there is a chance they really want "C".. However based on what they told you alone, "C" was not an option.

So what do you do when it becomes impossible to make someone happy? What do you do when you give them what they ask for and they give the same reaction as giving them something they specifically asked they didnt' want?

I learned that my Ashy Hell is similar to Fate, if not the physical manifestation of it. No matter what I do, how I do it, what I do it with, and what path I take to do it, I'm wrong.. I'm the bad guy. I screw up..

It's an extremely simple want... I want Ash to be happy.. But it seems the only way to do that, is to think outside the box.. I can't make her happy no matter what I chose, so the only way I can truly please her, is to do nothing at all and IMAGINE her being happy... See? Fate doesn't want to play by the rules, so I suppose I can't either.

From here on, I'm not caring about Ash. I don't love her, I don't hate her.. I simply just won't give her the light of day, or even the effort of breath. Since what I want and don't want, won't work.. And what she wants and doesn't want, won't work.. I'll have to take this shot in the dark.

So.. Fate.. Is this the final round? Are you finally coming at me with everything you have? I can't even imagine anything worse than screwing me over on everything without any rules. I've taken everything else you've thrown at me.. Let's see if you can still keep up!

Job Hunting

So far, so.. well, nothing but waiting.. I have my applications in various jobs, ranging from a Basket Factory (In a town called "Little Hope".. Literally, it's 1 street with 2 business buildings, and then a few houses.. Oddly enough there's a car to house ratio of about 4 to 1 though, and EVERYONE in the town hangs out or works at the two buildings.) to West Corporation (which is about 30-45 mins drive one-way)... I'm qualified for 6 different positions but so far they don't have scheduled training yet, so I have to wait till training starts for one of those positions. -.-'

I have enough in my savings to cover the next 2-3 weeks of bills.. After that though, I may have to take out a personal loan or borrow some money. -.-' *sighs* Can't believe they suspended me a couple days AFTER I spend $500+ on a wii! >.<

Anti-Akara Essex and Anti-Satrinah (Mini-Rant)

Before I say anything, I'm warning you that this is going to be short...

Akara Essex is easily the most customized free server/shard for the game "Ultima Online", as well as the unique leveling system making it a very original RPG. However though it has the best leveling system I've ever seen in any MMORPG or even an RPG both PC and Console based... It has major flaws.. First off I was just banned because I mentioned I played Guild Wars.. Yes, apparently a staff member, Rahv, doesnt' like Guild Wars so I was banned.. All that hard work for nothing...

Though before that he said he likes "fucking with people" (Someone you want in charge?) he asked everyone if anyone thoughth I should be banned. A friend of mine, along with a few others, said "Aye!"... Satrinah was one of them, but she posed as my friend. I guess she's one of those friends who are extremely nice to your face, but behind your back they are a bitch? That's basically what I found out she is, which is just that, a "Bitch". (Sorry Chloe for the swearing.) How someone can be so randomly heartless and cruel for no reason, that even goes past my Ashy Hell! Ash can come up with reasons and excuses, both BS and understandable, but Satrinah has nothing to say but "Well the voting wasn't what got you banned. Rahv said to go play Guild Wars."

I hate two-faced liars and I hate staff that abuse their power. They are pathetic, immature, and not even worth the effort to type any further.

Thanks for listening to mini-rant. If you want to try Akara Essex out, you can do so at www.akaraessex.com and follow the instructions, however I wouldn't put too much effort into it, because it seems you can be banned even if you don't break any rules.

Common Sense... Rare? (RANT!)

Ok, I can't take much more of this. People are being so stupid it's not even funny anymore. Some examples are...

Fake-Baking, also known as Tanning Booths. First off, you're paying earned money to cook yourself. For those that are racist, if you hate blacks so much why are you trying to get your skin that way? Maybe not exactly black but you're getting closer and closer to it. If you want to have that tannish look and attempt to get skin cancer, do it the natural/right way.. By laying out in the sun for hours. If you don't have the time, don't do it.. Did you know that Tanning Booths are too slow for some people? Yeah, so they have Spray Tanning! Wow! Let's spray something that seeps into your skin that is designed to darken it.. THAT sounds safe. -.-

Drivers.. Did you know that old people refuse to re-take the test to see if they still have the ability to drive because they feel that is stepping on their constitutional rights.. How? Driving is a privilege and it's understandable to test if they should still be able to have the same opportunity. It's common knowledge that as you get older, your senses/abilities fade. You won't be able to run as fast, you won't be able to react as fast, you won't be able to see as well, you won't be able to see as well.. Shouldn't you be tested again and again to make sure you still have the capability of driving a big chunk of metal at high speeds?

Ho-Ho's.. The snack that's like the chocolate version of Twinkie's... I'm tired of people offering you the other one after they have already eaten one, then have to explain why they are offering one. "Do you want my other Ho-Ho?" You say "No" And they have to explain "Oh, cause I opened a package and had one but I don't feel like eating the other" NO DUH!!!!

This is a personal one. My sister's friend has been driving ever since she turned 15 and only got her permit when she turned 16 1/2. That's 1 1/2 years of driving illegally to various places. But now that she has it, she won't do anything illegally.. not even go 1 mile across the state line to go tanning. (Only 7 miles away from home) COME ON!

And this last one will be a personal one too. My sister, Meagan. She can sleep with a minor, live with a minor, get engaged (Since he's now 17), claim she's an adult and how she's over 18 and she can do whatever she wants. However she not only doesn't have her own car, she also doesn't have her own place. She lies to my parents than wonders why she gets in trouble. She can do things 6 days out of the week, and the 1 time my mom says no, she pouts, stomps off, and yells how it's not fair.. MATURE MY ASS!

Seriously, my original thought of dieing was to kill as many Manwhores as possible before the cops shoot me down. I'm starting to think I should attempt to send a message to the world while shooting every stupid/retarded person I meet.

PS. Retards, I'm not talking literally but just because I brought them up, it's not that I don't hate them or anything but they do annoy me most of the time. They have a disabiliity.. Oook.. They gain special government helps to compensate.. NOW they are even. You cannot pull the sympathy routine and be babied/spoiled their entire life.

TO SUMMERIZE...

From humanity's dropping IQ and growing lack of common sense, I can't help but think we're all going to die way before any war, disease, or lack of supplies/resources ever occur.

Suspended?

Yup, I am officially suspended from work, of which I will be calling and quitting today anyways. You see, they hired me because I'm a guy so I can lift more, I look like I can handle myself so there'd be less of a chance of a robbery (Which there were none.), and the customers may feel secure knowing a "teenager like me" was on their side...

Well Grapevine Laundry isn't doing so well, so she thinks I'm repelling customers instead (Though I've worked there for 9 months and somehow I'm just repelling them now?) So I am suspended until they see the numbers either rise or fall. If more people start comming now, then I'm fired. If they number of customers fall, then I'm hired again...

Well screw that! I'm not something you can just put on hold until you're needed. I also can't tell the bills to be put on hold, so I'm not sticking around the house waiting to hear from a low-paying job. I've already got a few jobs I'm looking into.

So yeah... Anti-GrapeVine now.

Psychobabble

Another song from the awesome artist "Frou Frou" even though it's mostly talking than singing.

I'm glad Jade is ok (as you can read by my last blog under the comments). Anyways, I thought I'd also take the liberty of expressing an issue Jade doesn't like...

It's no secret that I'm insecure. 17 failed relationships will do that to anyone lol. Especially one being a... Well you all are aware of my Ashy Hell. (Yes Jade, you may be annoyed by that phrase, and I am glad she's turning her life around and being good now, but even she admits to her many flaws and times she's hurt me.) For those that are close to me, I'm always worried about what they think of me, and fear that I may make some sort of mistake and ruin their friendship some how..

But that isn't the biggest issue... As you can read from my earlier blog post "Personality Test", I am a Romantic and I live for love. They become my everything, which borders Obsession... Or at the very least, is a healthy obsession. We aren't talking about stalking or anything, but I'd be mroe than happy to just the rest of my life with the one I love, not going out but even staying in and cuddling. I seem to put the one I love on a pedestal... Which comes to the issue.. I don't seem to value my own life. I'd take a bullet for any of my close friends without so much as thinking about it. Until I find the one I love, then of course her happiness and safety comes above theirs.. Sorry. =/

Anyways, I don't see my life as that valuable. I'm not that special, unique, talented, ect... I have Romantics but that's about it, and look where it's got me? Nowhere. However, I do have an ego (As do all guys, just varies on how much a part of them it is. To some it's everything, and to others they could care less about it.) and I also have my buttons. Anyone who insults my Romantics or reason for living (Love) gets me extremely defensive. So.. I must value my own self to some extent.. Right? Or is that just a simple human reaction and nothing more? I'm not depressed.. I'm not unhappy with myself. I've just accepted being normal in the eyes of the media and the public. Is that necessarily a bad thing?

Of course, it very well be that I need help figuring out everything that is "me", lol. I'm decent at analyzing but when it comes to me, I can guess a million paths/choices/options/reasons... But that doesn't get me anywhere. -.- I guess that's what you learn when you go to school and get the actual degree to be a Therapist. All I can do is say what "can" be wrong, while they can narrow it down and figure out what "is" wrong.

Anyways... Yeah, the title of this blog post is Psychobabble, because that's basically what it is. Some of my weakness's along with a request for help... No ryhme or reason to this blog post really, other than to thank Jade for responding to my last blog post about her. And I'd like to clarify that I wasn't going to post anything until she made a comment on my last blog post. That is simply because, I care what she has to say, and I wanted her to read what I had to say.

Thank you for everyone who has read this, I know it's boring and I'm sorry. From now on I'll try to make things more interesting... I know I still have to post some of my poems, as well as make a post to explain the meaning behind the name of my blog...

~Timothy Bryan Jude~ AKA ~Orothe Animite Naroom~